Excuse the rant but I just figured I needed to get this out somehow before I lose my sanity.

26 days, it has been since I've been back in Hong Kong and not one has gotten any better. I'm barely recovering from my severe withdrawal symptoms. For the most part, I think I've handled the past 3 weeks shockingly well and they've actually gone by fairly quick, but then comes the odd days like today where you wake up feeling beyond shit. 

You wake up feeling empty, like something's missing. It's been like that each day but for some reason on these odd days, those feelings are so, so much stronger. There's only one thing you think about, one thing on your mind and for the entire day, as hard as you try to keep yourself busy and distracted, it does not go away. Maybe for a couple hours but it returns, and hits you even stronger than before. 

If I could, I'd book that crazy cheap, $7,931 flight out at the end of this month. 

Who knew missing someone would be this fucking awful. In a crazy sense, I'm almost somewhat, happy that these strong feelings are there because it would make everything seem so much more certain, certain that you are with the right person and I know, that when september comes round, when I finally walk through those gates in the arrival hall, it'd be the happiest day ever yet this does not mean that the time from now till then is fucking easy. 

It's not even about the exciting weekend travels anymore, it's just the simple things. Seeing you everyday. Making dinner together, going to bed and waking up together, cuddling. Sleeping in so late on the weekends and doing absolutely nothing but having the best weekend ever. Every morning I wake up, wanting to turn back time. That feeling, of wanting something so much yet you can't have it. It does not help going through each day with little reminders of italy and the time there all around, everywhere I look. Be it gelato, or just certain situations, or objects. 

I am quite certain I've said this before but honestly, there are no words to describe it. This is by far, the worst thing I have ever had to deal with emotionally. It's so hard. Nothing that I could ever imagine. Funny that I used to think people were crazy, crazy for crying about someone, or constantly saying how much they miss them or anything else, whatever. And there I was, just thinking, that's absolutely crazy. Get a grip people and here I am now, losing a hang of everything, going through one of those days. Those days where everything seems so much harder, waking up in bed alone, trying to get through the day quickly so that it will come to an end and another day's gone and one day closer to september, only looking forward to the Skype call at the odd night hours because of the ridiculous time difference, missing someone so much you can barely do anything properly without thinking of them. 

I don't know how else I can describe the feeling but it's painful. 

And I hate this. 

I hate having these days. I'm never even an emotional person, ever yet after italy, I'm now just trying to put on this normal, brave face everyday, as if everything's fine. And there are days where things do go fine, sure I still have those "I miss you" feelings but at least they are well under control, and somewhat on a bearable scale of a 3 out of 10. But then come days like today, where as much as I was quite happy this morning due to the results from last night's match, I still ended up with the crazy overwhelming shit feelings, almost unbearable, I'd give it an 8. 

I miss you so, so much words can't express it. 

I've been told it's good to have this feeling because then you know, for real, how certain you are about someone and how much you're willing to go through for someone. And I guess it is true. It's just been 3 weeks and I feel like the life has been sucked out of me, I'm not living each day, I'm just surviving. It's going to sound absolutely crazy, and I may sound like an absolutely overbearing, overly attached crazy girlfriend to some now but you wouldn't understand unless you've met someone that special. If I could, if I really really could, I would book the next flight out and just leave. 

You've made me realise what life is, and made me look at what I've been doing for the past 2 years so differently. Sure, I was working my ass off at uni, doing what I thought I am absolutely passionate about which I still am, but after italy, you've made me realise that there's more to life than grades, trying to be the best of the class, you've taught me how to live life and the true meaning of living life. 

I want to wake up every morning, not knowing what the plans are.

I want to just be spontaneous everyday and do what I feel like doing at whatever time.

And even though it's going to be tough (financially), things will somehow work out in the end.

I want to live each day for itself, as if it was the last and not worry about what plans are for the next.

I just want to be truly, truly happy each day like I was back in italy, when all that was needed for me to be happy was to see you happy.

When even the boring sunday mornings where we laid in bed and did nothing, felt like the most amazing weekend ever.

6000 miles, 6 hours time difference and so far, each day isn't getting any better. Maybe on the outside, I'm no longer bawling my eyes out at least but I doubt the feelings have changed much since 3 weeks ago. 

I suppose, the only things that might have changed is how much more certain I am of things. And how much harder it actually is, but september's keeping me going. When I get off that plane, through the gates and hopefully, spend the 2 weeks together before heading back to reality. And I suppose if things do work out, this would probably, hopefully, be the last time I'd have to spend 3 months apart.

So I guess that marks the end of my rant for today.

I miss you, so, fucking much. 

So, fucking much I wish there were words to describe it.