the adventures of picassi.

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear"

- Oscar Wilde

Two months, all it took was two months. I was never the one to believe that such things could happen, maybe in dreams, but not in reality. I never thought I would get this attached. I never thought I would be this happy, and sad. I never thought that saying goodbye would be this hard. And I never, ever, thought that summer could feel this long, like eternity.

It was like routine, every morning the alarm would go off at 8am and there we both were, my head resting so comfortably on your chest with your arm wrapped around me. Both of us knew, after all, it was routine, you would put the alarm on snooze for another 15 minutes. The alarm would go off for the second time, you would slowly move yourself out of the bed so as not to wake me even though I knew, every morning. I felt you move, and your kiss on my forehead every morning. No matter how tired I was or how late you were for work, we never failed to wish each other a wonderful day, and seal it off with a morning kiss.

I never say it, but after you leave, I lay in your bed, on your tiny pillow, snuggled in that tiny blanket you never intended on sharing with anyone, thinking how happy and lucky I am to wake up every morning next to my favourite person in the world.

Because of you, I started taking showers in the morning instead of the night, I actually saw some point (and actually enjoyed) making the bed, I did not mind doing laundry at all, or learning how to cook properly instead of chucking food into the microwave. All the boring, normal things you would do everyday suddenly seemed so much more exciting. Food shopping for dinner became something I looked forward to because that means a few hours after that, we would be cooking dinner together again, even though it would be the same salad and same tuna or speck pasta, it did not matter. Surprising you with your favourite beer in the freezer never failed to make me smile, or when you have the biggest smile on your face upon seeing a clean, tidy room when you return from work. I don't think I could ever forget that look on your face, when you walked through the doors right after your weekly football game and into the kitchen to realise that dinner was all ready. The happiness I saw on your face made all the two hours of preparation work and fumbles in the kitchen worth it.

Everything seemed so natural, there are no numbers in our relationship. We don't know our anniversary dates because we just somehow, skipped past dating and ended up living together. We both knew how lucky we both were. We both knew how much time I had and that things would have to come a (temporary) end soon yet you told me, "don't worry about that, we will make the best out of the time we have".

We did everything together, we never fought once and everything just seemed to fall into place perfectly. We talked, laughed, drank, got drunk, cuddled and on the odd weekends and weekday afternoons, laid on the couch or watched the sun set from your balcony and did absolutely nothing, yet it was absolutely amazing. Things got so comfortable that sometimes we did not even need to say anything and it was fine, as you would call them, "comfortable silences".

I always loved it when we had our movie nights in bed, not because of the movie but because it felt so comfortable and safe, to have your arms around me, pulling me close to you, feeling your breath on my skin and your heart beating. And you knew that whenever that was the case, I would fall asleep in 5 minutes yet you still did not mind all the trouble of getting the laptop set up in bed, or perhaps watching the first 5 minutes of Fight Club with me three times over because each time, I fell asleep so comfortably in your arms.

There were three favourites times of my days. The mornings when I wake up, comfortably snuggled up next to you, greeting you with a kiss followed by a "good morning". The late afternoons when you return home from work, both of us with the biggest smiles on our face as I leap for a hug and kiss because we are so happy to see each other again and, the nights when we both head to bed together knowing we will have another great night and waking up to a great morning the next day.

Who could forget our spontaneous weekend trips to all the different places, the weekend getaways that brought us so much closer. You made me realise how to live life, how to live each day as if it was your last, to not worry about anything but then. And that it's alright to not have fixed plans, to be spontaneous. It's alright to end up sleeping at 4 in the morning after a night trip around Rome. It's alright to wake up at 2pm the next day and start the day from there. It's alright not to have plans. It's alright to get a little drunk because you will always be there to take care of me. It's alright to get lost once in awhile because you will always somehow, magically get us back eventually. It's alright to stay out at night, having a couple of beers with friends in a park because your presence makes me feel safe. It's alright to meet new people and to be in new situations because you will always make me feel included. And of course, it's more than alright to end up wearing the same clothes for two days in a row, or to wake up looking like an absolute mess with no make up on because regardless, you always tell me, "you look beautiful", even on my roughest days.

I remember the first time it dawned on me when I had to leave in two days, when I could no longer hold in the emotions. When I had completely let my walls down and you into a place I have never revealed to anyone before, my soul. When we stood at the balcony with you holding me so tightly, kissing the tears away from my face and telling me "everything is going to be alright". I knew then, that this goodbye was going to hurt, so much.

14 June 2014, 1:30pm. Even though we had woken up from a very drunk morning, it was unfortunate I was still sober enough to realise that the day I've always dreaded had arrived. We both knew, yet we did nothing and said nothing. I just cried while your arms wrapped around me, my body pressed against yours so tightly as if you were trying to say "don't go".

Saying goodbye at the airport was one of the toughest things I had to do. It was like saying goodbye to a half of myself, saying goodbye to home and my life. Before Milan, I never knew where home was, or what home felt like. With you, I felt like I was at home for 2 very short months. With you, I had fully lived and experienced life. With you, I had never been more happy.

I still remember your words from that afternoon, words that keep me going each day, "you are not going home but just going away on a 2 month vacation, we will see each other soon again". Even as I am writing at this very minute, I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. The distance makes it so hard but every time you call or drop me a message I wake up to in the morning, it makes me smile like an idiot. You tell me about how your day went, what you have done, what you had for lunch and what your plans are for the rest of the day. It's almost as if we were back in Milan, like any other normal day when you come back from work. Every Skype session is a bittersweet moment because I'm so happy to see you but at the same time it reminds me of how far away I am, and how much I miss you.

I miss your touch. I miss how you used to kiss me on the lips repeatedly. I miss your smile. I miss your smell. I miss falling asleep in your arms, or on your chest. I miss our movie nights. I miss cooking dinner together with you. I miss how everyday when you walk through the front door after a day of work, you immediately wake me up from my nap with kisses. I miss our lazy mornings where we lied in bed and did nothing, as if we had forever. I miss how you could lift me up with one arm and make me feel like the luckiest and happiest person in the world. I miss our morning showers in the small, cramped bathroom. I miss you coming up behind me and hugging me so tight, like you'd never let go. I miss watching the sunset, pink and blue skies with you from the balcony. I miss our food shopping sessions at the supermarket. I miss your voice and you telling me "I'm happy to be with you". I miss you calling me your baby turtle. I miss our spontaneous weekend getaways. I miss the nights when we just lie in bed and talk about everything and anything. I miss living with you. I miss borrowing your clothes when mine are in the wash. I miss the odd evening that always ends with me getting drunk and you carrying me home. I miss the little things you do that make me so happy like surprising me with a new brand of peach tea. I miss everything to do with you. I miss all the time we have spent together. I miss being truly, truly happy.

Ich vermisse dich so sehr.

So much that it hurts, everyday. So much that I find myself sometimes waking up in the morning feeling empty, so much that everything around me reminds me of us. So much that I've cried so much, like never before in my life.

It's so hard. I try to keep myself as busy as I can, maybe it's because I just want to keep my mind off things but really, it's because so that each day will go by quicker. It's so hard that I can't even express the feelings in words. It's like a constant reminder everyday of something you want so much yet you can't have. The truth is, it never gets better. Each day I miss you more and more. The only change is that after awhile, I learn to cope with it. I will have to wake up knowing that you will not magically appear by my side and that it's okay. I can get through each day, I can get back into my normal routine of things. It's not the end of the world, even though it might feel like it.

Like you always tell me, everything will be alright. I'm only on a short 2 month vacation and we will see each other again in September. And when I'm back in London, we'll only be an hour's flight apart. Everything in summer is temporary. As soon as the summer is over, we will see each other again. I yearn for September so much, for it to come quicker. For that day, when I board the plane and walk out of those gates to leap into your arms. It's going to feel like Milan all over again, the amazing indescribable, happy feeling inside me, like nothing else in the world matters because I'm back with you.

It's true when they say the distance tests what we have. I've never expected myself to miss someone this much. I've never expected myself to think about someone so much it drives me crazy. I've never expected to feel this way about someone. I've never expected that I would even end up meeting you in Milan, at a friend's party which I did not even plan on going to but am so happy I did. I've never expected for 2 months to change me this much, or for someone to change me this much. You. You have opened my eyes to so many things, so many things I never realised I was missing out on before meeting you. And lastly, I've never expected myself to end up falling this much for you.

Sometimes I think, should I be happy that I've had such an amazing 2 months with you or should I wish that it didn't happen because now summer feels like a slow painful death that drags on, slower and slower each day. I suppose I should be happy because you made me see life, live life and most importantly, I have no regrets meeting you. Deciding to go for that party was the best decision I have made in my life.

I cannot wait till that amazing moment, which will make this all worth it because it'll feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again. And because I know that it's the end of what will be our longest time apart. And because I know, that we have both survived the summer.

lol'd, 02:34